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Yule be sorry…

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Time to empty your bank account to purchase expensive gifts for children who don’t appreciate or deserve them. Time to gather with your loved ones and try to consume more than your own weight in food. Time for me to make fun of some traditional Christmas songs!

When I listen to the radio, I frequently have a dialog with the person singing (see this entry). Some of these exchanges can get pretty heated. I often wonder what the people around me think about the strange man driving on the LIE, yelling at his radio. In any case, although I usually have problems with the lyrics in popular music… Christmas music is not immune…

I’ll start with a true classic which Bing Crosby made famous:
“I’ll Be Home For Christmas”

Bing: I’ll be home for Christmas.
Me: Wonderful news!
Bing: You can count on me.
Me: I had no doubt.
Bing: Please have snow and misletoe and presents by the tree.
Me: Hmm, ok… I didn’t realize there was a list of demands involved. I’ll see what I can do about the last two, but affecting the weather may be a little out of my reach.
Bing: Christmas eve will find me where the love light gleams.
Me: So, that’s… here… right?
Bing: I’ll be home for Christmas.
Me: Yeah, ok, I think we covered that part.
Bing: …if only in my dreams.
Me: Wait… what?

Seriously? You ask me to line up all these things for you? Say things like “you can count on me” and “I promise you” and then end off with “if only in my dreams”? Bah!

Now, when you do a little research on this song, it is sung from the point of view of a WWII soldier stationed overseas and the “if only in my dreams” ending is supposed to be a sad twist. So, you may consider me a dick for making fun of it. I can accept that. It’s still stupid.

Next up? Another song that Bing is known for:
“Do you hear what I hear?”

Bing: Said the shepherd boy to the mighty king…
Me: Stop it, I’m blushing.
Bing: Do you know what I know
Me: Probably.
Bing: A child, a child, shivers in the cold
Me: That sucks.
Bing: Let us bring him silver and gold
Me: Really? Not, like, a blanket? Or some food?
Bing: Let us bring him silver and gold
Me: You’re kinda generous with MY silver and gold, you know.

You can’t tell me that you didn’t find it a little strange that nobody thinks to give the kid a sandwich in any of these songs and stories. I mean really… what the heck is he going to do with Myrrh?

Moving on, we have one that truly makes my blood boil:
“Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
This is sung by… a lot of artists… though Bono gets the winning line.

Simon Le Bon: There’s a world outside your window
Me: Yeah, I’ve seen it, it sucks.
Sting and Simon: And it’s a world of dreaded fear
Me: Well, it’s not THAT bad.
Sting and Simon: Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
Me: I don’t think a “bitter sting” can “flow”…
Sting and Simon: And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.
Me: Ok, seriously, where the hell is this?
Bono: Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!
Me: No kidding! Yeah, thanks God. So glad you made their lives a living hell.

Go ahead… tell me that’s not what they meant! I am sorry, but no matter how you try to rationalize it, that is an absolutely ridiculous way to word that. Really? “Thank God it’s them”? How the hell could anyone think that those words are anything but douchey?


I will end with a lovely song by Nat King Cole:
“The Christmas Song”

Nat: Everybody knows… a turkey and some misletoe, help to make the season bright…
Me: Really? Because in my experience, a turkey and some misletoe results in some awkward photos that are VERY difficult to explain to your wife.

Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! 🙂

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